Feeling the emotions, thoughts, or stress of others is a common experience, but one that is rarely discussed. In fact, there is no precise term for that. Empathy is the closest concept we have. Healthline discusses the advantages and disadvantages of being empathetic, but it does not really describe the details of the daily management of others’ emotions in our interactions.
In our sessions with clients, we discuss emotional transfer with almost all of them.
What Emotional Transfer Can Feel Like
Here is what we have learned about emotional transfer from our experience, readings, and exchanges with others: it is a universal experience, but it is more noticeable in certain people.
It is particularly common among anxious, hypersensitive people, as described in Elaine Aron’s book, The Highly Sensitive Person, and neurodivergent individuals. As with everything, it is something that can be learned, consciously or unconsciously.
Emotional transfer can lead to disturbing experiences, but also to true moments of beauty.
When Emotional Transfer Becomes Problematic
Emotional transfer is especially problematic when we do not realize it is happening.
For example, if a friend or family member is having a stressful day, we might want to listen to them and offer advice. But if, during the conversation, we start to feel their stress, with our heart racing, our arms trembling, and our thoughts racing, we lose our calm and focus. Consequently, we lose our ability to be the support we wish to be in that moment.
When Emotional Transfer Becomes a Transfer of Responsibilities
And it can get worse.
Let’s say you’re in a meeting at work. A boss is upset and agitated because the team missed a deadline. You then feel just as upset and agitated, and instead of reminding ourselves that you are not solely responsible for the team’s successes and failures, you only think about what you personally failed to accomplish.
You therefore start to absorb everyone’s emotions in the room, in addition to their responsibilities. That is how emotional transfer turns into a transfer of responsibilities.
Emotional Transfer, Culture, and Boundaries
These experiences are becoming increasingly common in our culture. We live in a society that teaches us to take care of others, often at the expense of our own needs. We integrate these values and beliefs, which manifest in our interactions with our loved ones.
Interesting articles on personal boundaries and culture are published by Blogger, Mental Health Match, and Counseling Today, including How Western Culture Gets Emotional Boundaries Wrong and Problems With Boundaries? Let’s Consider Your Culture.
The problem is that when you constantly take on these responsibilities, you often take on more than you can handle. You end up getting used to feeling unhappy and guilty because we cannot accomplish the impossible tasks we have imposed on ourselves.
When Emotional Transfer Is Imposed on Us
The sad reality is that some manipulative personalities rely entirely on emotional and responsibility transfer to manage their own stress.
With these people, it is almost impossible to have a conversation without some of their emotions and worries being transferred to us. It is therefore important to recognize that this type of transfer can occur in two ways: either we absorb it ourselves, or someone else imposes it on us.
The best way to avoid this is to develop self-awareness and clear boundaries.
Understanding Unhealthy Emotional Transfer
- Culture teaches us to put others first.
- We try to take care of others and end up absorbing their emotions.
- To relieve these feelings, we take on the responsibility for the problems that cause them.
- This makes us vulnerable to manipulation and exhaustion.
Developing Self-Awareness
Self-awareness involves noticing transference when it occurs. It takes a bit of practice, but it is possible and extremely rewarding.
Once this awareness is developed, we can start asking questions: Who does this feeling or responsibility really belong to? Are we ready to take it on? Is it useful to allow this transfer? And we can remember a few important truths.
The emotions of others belong to them, and no one else can take care of their feelings for them. The person best positioned to know what a feeling means, or what it needs, is the one who feels it.
We are never obligated to take on the emotions or responsibilities of others. If we decide to cross this boundary, it will be to make an extra effort for someone we care about.
By using affirmations like these, we can create a mental space for ourselves where the emotions and responsibilities of others cannot enter, at least not without permission. This also frees us from the pressure of having to manage other people’s problems and emotions, allowing us to relax and focus on ourselves.
Adopt a Healthy Emotional Transfer
Awareness
Be attentive when you feel someone else’s emotions or take on their responsibilities.
Question yourself
Whose feeling or responsibility is it really? Are we really ready to take it on?
Setting boundaries
Define the feelings and responsibilities that you are willing and able to accept.
Emotional Transfer Is Not Always a Bad Thing
That said, emotional transfer is not always a bad thing. When used well, it allows us to be caring and empathetic people.
And when it is mutual, we can enjoy closeness and trust with those we love. Often, the warmest and most rewarding interactions occur when we allow these emotional barriers to fall.
Need More Information? Contact Us
If emotional transfer, empathy, or boundary-setting is affecting your relationships or well-being, contact Ottawa Therapy Group. Our therapists can help you better understand these patterns and develop clearer, healthier boundaries.
